


I won't let you go

by Ar2000



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Dead Castiel (Supernatural), Depressed Dean Winchester, Gen, Hurt Dean Winchester, Sad with a Happy Ending, Soft Castiel (Supernatural), The Author Regrets Everything, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:01:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23401162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ar2000/pseuds/Ar2000
Summary: Five years ago this day, was the day that changed Dean, he may have not be dead but he died inside, can he really move on?
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester
Kudos: 19





	I won't let you go

**Author's Note:**

> Hey people, so I listened to "when I see you again"and I made myself sad by imaging this so here let me make you sad too.

Dean walked through the park, this was a walk he took every year on this day. 

Today is special, this a day that changed his life forever. Today was the day that his heart shattered and his soul was ripped apart, the day that dean regretted even being born at all. 

He was in love, once, he was in love with a man that had the brightest blue eyes and a hair that couldn’t be tamed, a smile that was always there, he would have get excited like a child over anything and his weird obsession with history and legends.  
He had a name, Castiel, the name of an angel and how that sweeted him. 

Today was the day that Dean would walk on Castiel's favorite path, this was the park that he loved. He would come here to feed the birds and stare at the flowers. Every time that he was cleaning up after they ate, Castiel would collect the extras and put them on pack to take to park for animals. A cute habit that Dean used to make fun of but secretly adored. 

There was no flowers here now, it was winter after all. There was no snow on the ground but it was so cold, it would probably snow tonight, which only made Dean more upset. Five years ago this day was cold and snowy too. It only reminded him of that fateful night even more. 

He hurried through the park he couldn’t stand it anymore, this was the place that Castiel loved to hang out, and now it seemed cold and silent, no kids were here playing, no animals wandering around. The whole place seemed lifeless, like it was missing Castiel just like Dean. 

Just down the corner of the park was an ice cream shop. Usually it was full of people in the summers, full of kids begging their parents to buy them the big ice creams instead of the tiny ones. Castiel Loved ice cream. He would force Dean to tag along with him to the ice cream shop. Not that Dean had any objections. He liked ice cream too, but the problem was that Castiel would want to eat ice cream even in the coldest day of year with tons of snow on the ground he would still ask for ice cream. In these days both of them would get into the car, the impala that Dean owned a car that Castiel used to joke and say Dean loved more than he loved Castiel, then they would drive to the ice cream shop and then get two big ice creams, one chocolate for Dean one coffee flavor for Castiel, and then because Cas insisted they would go to sit in park and eat them, then because they were freezing they would run back to the impala and turned up the heat. 

Dean turned around and went to the shop. He got one coffee flavored ice cream and one chocolate ice cream. The ice cream man already knew his orders, Cas used to chat with him every time that they went there for ice cream, today he gave him a smile, “how are you doing? “ he asked. And Dean's only respond was a simple fine. The man didn’t push it further and just went to get him his orders. 

Dean came out of the shop and continued his way down the street. Cas wasn’t very talkative and if you asked others they would have probably told you that Cas likes to keep himself to himself but whenever he was around Dean he would get so chatty and wouldn’t shut up for one second. He would talk about anything, from what his patients did lately to the new bookstore he went to. Cas was a nurse. He loved his job and would tell Dean about how they were doing lately or any funny stories that happens to him at work. Dean would listen to him, but he would listen to him ramble around because he loved the way Cas told the tales, his enthusiastic, his expressions, and the way he moved his hands around while explaining the details for Dean. 

Dean reached the crossroad. Two kids were there pulling strings of the collors of the dogs. Jack and Kevin, they used to walk their dogs too. Dean absolutely hated dogs didn’t want any of them near their house. But then one day Cas came in looking very guilty at Dean, “You love me right? “he asked with hesitation, “of course, why did you ask? “, and then he opened the door wider, “come here boy, say hi to Dean” and before horrified eyes of Dean a little Beagle ran inside playfully looking at Dean with his bright eyes like he was challenging him to throw him out. 

“What the hell Cas! Why is there a dog in our house?! “

“before you get mad at me... “

“I AM CAS”

“Well hear me out first he belongs to one my patients who had car accident yesterday she said there is no one to take care of him and she was so worried I didn’t want her to be worried about this too she needs rest to recover Dean, he won’t be here for long maybe just a couple of days. “

“Days? You are saying that I have to deal with a DOG in the house for Days? “

“Please Dean, he is a good boy and it won’t be long I promise. “  
Dean looked at the dog, he was staring back at him. 

“he gives me funny looks I don’t like that”

“oh don’t be a child Dean, he loves you, his name is Biscuits by the way”

“Biscuits? What’s up with the name? “

“oh don’t you start I think it is adorable, here Biscuits let me show you were you sleep. “

And then he guided Biscuits out to the main hall. 

“He is not sleeping on the bed! “Dean shouted after them. 

“Fine”came a respond accompanied with a low chuckle. 

And just like that the Biscuits stayed with them for a week. Dean was both relived and sad the day Cas took the dog to give back to the Crash girl, he would be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy the dog's energy and running around the house a bit, not that much for him to actually allow a dog to stay permanently, but it had its moments. 

Because Cas and Dean were both busy mans Cas found Jack and Kevin due to recommendation of one of their neighbors, kids would walk the dogs of the neighborhood everyday and would gain good cash for it. But Cas being Cas would also give the kids chocolate and other sweets just so they won’t be hungry while walking the dogs. He kept his relationship with the boys even after Biscuits departure. 

“hey kids, come here” Dean called for the boys. 

“Hello Dean” the boys said while trying to keep the dogs under control. 

“here take these and for heaven's sake don’t tell your mothers that I gave you ice cream in such a cold day. “

“sure Dean” Jack said with a big smile, accepting the coffee ice cream graciously. 

“yeah thanks man, let’s hope my mother won’t figure out or she would kill me” said Kevin Picking the chocolate one. 

“yeah okay, you make sure she won’t find out”

And then turned to continue down the way when  
“tell him we said hi for us, okay Dean? “he heard Jack saying. He just turned his face around looking at Jack who was looking at him with hesitation and worry. He just gave him nod and turned to leave. 

Two blocks further was an apartment, a red brick apartment with yellow windows. Looking warm in all its glory, comfortable and just felt like home. The third floor left window was open. It used to have a flower stand just right next to the window, full of flowers that Cas used to tend to every day with passion and love, he even would talk to them, encourage them to grow And telling them how proud he was of them, how beautiful they had become. But there wasn’t any flower stand there now, because there wasn’t any Cas in this house now.nor was there any Dean. After that fateful day just a month later Dean moved from there, couldn’t stand being somewhere that had so much memories, he felt Cas everywhere, the way he smelled, would hear his laugh, would hear him humming a little song while cooking, he just couldn’t be there anymore. So he left. But it didn’t help, Cas was still with him. 

Two streets down and turning right once and he took the bus, it only took fifteen minutes to reach the final station and then a ten minutes walk and here he was. 

“Hi Cas”

He said to a tomb, written on the tomb stone was,’ RIP Castiel Novak a brother and a son born 1980 died 2015 ‘. 

Because that is what had happened, five years ago Cas died. 

Dean was invited to a party with his other fellow businessmen, he took Cas with him. In the party Cas heard that Dean was offered a position in France, a promotion with better money and insurance. When they left and they we’re on their way home Cas asked him why Dean hadn’t told him about the offer, Dean of course wanted to turn it down so he didn’t think about mentioning it before but it made Cas very upset thinking that Dean hadn’t told him because he didn’t trust Cas to be happy for him or support him whatever his descion may be , they got into an argument, Dean drove faster and faster because he was feeling both angry and guilty, and when Cas told him to drove slower he just put more pressure on gas to annoy Cas, but it went horribly wrong. 

They Crashed. Dean lost control and Impala went outside the snowy road guiding them into a deep valley. Impala was strong they didn’t die there. The whole thing that Dean remembers about the accident is that they hit the ground, then he remembers waking up in a hospital room with Sammy on his bed side sleeping on a couch while sitting. Sam must have woke up with hearning Dean moving. 

“oh thank god I was really worried. “he said, letting out a relived breath. 

“What happened? “asked Dean

“You had a Car crash you don’t remember? “

And all started to come back to him, their fight and then the accident, oh god where was Cas? 

“Where is Cas? “

“Dean you need to rest... “

“ I said where is he? “

Sam looked hesitant and very uncomfortable looking down at his legs. 

“ Sam, is Cas okay? “Dean said in a low voice. 

“ D.. Dean Cas had a surgery, doctors tried their best but he... he couldn’t make it Dean” he said miserably. 

Dean blinked he couldn’t understand what Sam was saying. Cas was always ok sure he had his moments to get sick and become grumpy and shouting at Dean for making so much noise but that was it, he was always fine, and here Sam was telling him that he was there having a surgery and then not making it. 

What is that supposed to mean? He can’t be dead, can he? And that is when it hits him hard. Sam is saying that Cas is dead. But it can’t be he was just talking to him telling Dean what an arrogant asshole he was, how could he be dead? 

“Are you telling me that, that Cas is... “ he couldn’t bring himself to finish that sentence. 

If possible Sam looked even more pathetic. 

“yes Dean, I am so sorry, I wished things have gone differently that he... “

“SHUT UP JUST SHUT UP!!! “

And that’s when Sam called for the nurses and then Dean was put into another sleep, a slumber he wished he never would have woke up of.

Everyone kept telling Dean that it wasn’t his fault, that it was only an accident, that Cas doesn’t want him to do this to himself to torment himself like that. But how could it be true? Cas told him, he begged him to go slower but he didn’t, he murdered Cas, that is what had happened. He killed the love of his life, he was a monster. 

It took him two years to be able to go back to his work properly or do stuff that normal people did. He only did that so other people would just leave him alone. Wouldn’t call to check on him every hour of everday, so people wouldn’t pretend that they know what Castiel would have want, how could they? Cas was young, wanted to live, had wishes, and people were just acting as if Cas didn’t mind as if Cas's wishes didn’t matter. 

“ I miss you Cas” he said looking down to the ground. “Jack and Kevin said hi, you should see them, they have grown so much they aren’t those little eleven years olds anymore, they are teenagers now you would have been proud of them” 

Sky was getting darker with clouds now, soon it would be snowing. Dean sat there on the grass, working up his courage to speak again. 

“Sam and Bobby miss you too, Bobby keeps trying to convince me to use the impala again, but I can’t Cas, I just can’t. “

Impala, Dean's precious baby, was now somewhere around Bobby’s house, in the middle of the other cars, forgotten, out of use. Dean couldn’t bring himself to even look at her again. Impala was the last place that Cas was with Dean, the last time he talked to Dean, the last place where he took a conscious breath. So after Dean got discharged from the hospital, Sam informed her that they moved her away to Bobby’s, asking him if he wants to go check on her. But Dean only said no and he never again went to look at her. Apparently Bobby had fixed her, thinking that one day Dean would go back for her but Dean knew that, that day would never come. 

“Sam is doing pretty well too, he is one of those fancy lawyers now, with Jess by her side, they are thinking of having kids you know. “

It was true Sam and Jess were the perfecto example of a happy marriage. Dean was truly happy for them, his little bro was living a good life, what could he ask for more than that? The only thing was whenever he saw them he was just reminded of him and Cas. He couldn’t help it, it was just that their relationship was so sweet like theirs. Not that he wanted them to break up or be jealous god no, it only made him to think about Cas and his regrets. 

It was snowing now, not much, but enough to be seen without trying.

“It is snowing Cas, remember how much you loved the snow? Always making such a huge fuss about it, I really wished you were here to go crazy for it, Cas I really miss you, I really really want you back, I am so very sorry”he sobbed to the lifeless tomb. 

“ I would do anything, anything to get you back, to tell you that I am sorry to apologize to you for everything, I miss you terribly, sometimes I want to kill myself so we could be together but I know that wouldn’t work, you are in heaven, how could you be not? You were as pure as an angel, but me, I am a monster, a murder, and even if I die I'll go to hell. I can’t even see you after death, I could never tell you how sorry I am, how I regret everything I did that night, I am sorry”

He didn’t know what else to say, the truth was that he couldn’t do anything, this was the worst. The feeling of being so hopeless, powerless, to feel like a leaf caught in a storm. 

“ I wish you had given me a sign, anything that I knew you would hear me that you would one day forgive me, oh how much I want you here with me, even after all these years whenever I hear a joke or a good news my first thought is that I want to tell you, but then I remember that you aren’t here anymore, that even though your number is still on my phone, if I call you won’t pick up, that you won’t come home bringing me pie, that whenever TV shows a classic we are not together watching it, everything just reminds me of you, I can’t move on, and I don’t want to Cas, I don’t think that I want to forget you, to start a life without you in it, just please give me a chance to let you forgive me, please man, I am begging you. “

He got up from his place on the ground, he needed to walk, couldn’t stand sitting there anymore, but the ground had gotten slippy from the snow and he fell, next to Cas's grave. 

“oh son of a... “  
That’s when he saw it, a lavender was coming out of the ground, so young and little but stubborn enough to grow in winter, a lavender, Castiel's favorite. He always used to tell Dean that they symbolize grace and calmness, but most importantly a flower that Dean gave Cas after one of their worst fights. The one that Cas accepted, declaring that it was now a symbol of forgiveness too, just for the two of them, and them alone. 

He looked at the sky, and he knew they would be together again.


End file.
